


FBI means Fairies Butting In

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-08
Updated: 2004-08-08
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:26:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Mulderon and Bane strike again





	FBI means Fairies Butting In

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

FBI means Fairies Butting In 

by Ursula 

 

 

"You still don't trust me." Alex stated bluntly. 

 

Mulder looked at the sulking face and wondered when this had become an issue. He really didn't want to fight, not with Alex lying, stomach down, naked on the bed, buttocks flexing and bunching as one leg kicked out a peevish rhythm.

 

Mulder loved Alex's ass. The flesh was satiny. Each globe was a perfect round peach of a mound. That indentation above the spine reminded him of his grand aunt's, Naomi, thumbprint in the golden crust of her pies. 

 

Auntie Naomi was one of the few observant Jews in his family and Mulder always thought his mother was ashamed of her old-world relative. Anyway, Mulder had spent a few weeks here and there with this family eccentric because she adored children, having raised seven sons and two daughters plus a plethora of foster children. He liked to watch her bake and the last thing she always did was to imprint her thumbprint in her creations. Naomi said it was her pride in her work. 

 

Alex's body, Mulder thought, was some pagan god's blue ribbon winning entry in a Body Delicious contest. The god had put his thumbprint right above the golden skinned beauties that he had created.

 

Mulder leaned forward and kissed the hollow. He saw Alex's face turn and a tiny smile crossed his lover's face. Mulder worshipfully parted those temple doors and nuzzled between. Alex abruptly sat up, smashing Mulder's nose. He said, "You think that's all I'm about is sex, don't you?"

 

Mulder admitted that he did place a lot of value in Alex's treasured body and in the full-hearted way Alex participated in their bed sports. He soothingly said, "You know I respect your mind."

 

Alex said, "Ha, only because I used to fuck with yours. Mulder, I just want to help. I stop taking work because you begged me not to do it. I sit at my terminal and do security analysis on line. I'm bored. I was a good FBI agent and I was a good agent provocateur."

 

Mulder said, "You provoked me all right. And now I find you provocative. Come here."

 

Alex let himself be pulled down. Mulder wrestled him to the bottom and lay on him. Alex complained, "Think I'm your mattress?"

 

Mulder said, "Hmm, nice, firm support, smooth silky covering, I'll take it."

 

Of ten things Alex could have done forever, kissing Mulder was at least three of them. Alex would shoot anyone else who tried it except Scully and maybe...Oh no!

 

Alex heard music playing, classic rock, champagne fizz and pop then the sound of Gaelic pipes blending. It sounded tinny as if from a cheap car radio. He heard the roar of an engine and, then, a miniature antique car appeared. Scullytinia was driving while Mulderon and Bane screwed in the back. As they climaxed, Bane stretched his neck out and howled his pleasure. The sound had to have gone all over the building.

 

Alex remembered with a smirk that he had taken care of that tenant petition to evict them. Always enforce your vote with a shining automatic weapon and a mad dog snarl of a smile. The landlord was happy to be known as a sensitive resource for hearing impaired tenants. Not all of the tenants were deaf. The one that put Alex onto the circulated petition for eviction was a perfectly ordinary looking middle aged woman whom he had caught drilling a spy hole in the floor of her bedroom, which was directly above Mulder and Alex's bed. Alex not only got the warning, but she cooked gourmet meals that Mulder believed that Alex prepared with his own hand. Alex smiled up at the peephole, now a sophisticated audio and visual pick up. Hey, she even kept track and let Alex know if his repertoire was getting stale. 

 

Mulderon flew up and said, "Check out my little deux ex coupe, a real machina of god if you ask me."

 

Bane snarled, "It's our car, Mulderon." 

 

Mulderon punched Bane who head butted him. They tumbled into the foil lid for a box of chocolates and when Alex went to look, they were fucking with Bane, growling soulfully on the bottom. Mulderon squealed, "Oh, sex in chocolates!"

 

Mulder joined him in looking, leaning over him, and one hand on Alex's shoulder. Mulder's other hands started on the small of Alex's back, slowly circling down until the pressure opened and closed on Alex's ass cheeks. Alex arched into the caress, wanting to yowl like a cat in heat.

 

Mulder whispered into his ear. "Remember when we went camping? I brought the portable TV and VCR so we could watch our home movies. I had to lie on you so we could both see them. This reminds me."

 

"You just like to lay me." Alex said, his mood bettering. Mulder rested his sharp chin on Alex's shoulder, digging in a little. Alex wasn't sure why he liked that, maybe because it was just so Mulder!

 

Scullytinia was blinking visible to invisible and changing colors like a hologram. She landed on Alex's shoulder and rubbed her little body on his ear. Alex asked, "What is it about my ears?"

 

Scullytinia replied, "They're so small and pointed and sexy...You have hot ears."

 

Mulder said, "I have cute ears!"

 

Scullytinia said, "But I would need an acre of pansies to revive you if you fainted!"

 

Mulder said, "I don't get it."

 

Alex groaned from the effects of watching his erection sized counterparts fuck and having a naked tiny woman rubbing and blowing in his ears. Mulder pressed his erection against Alex's ass, grinding slowly and circling. Alex watched the chocolate melting from the heat put out by the fucking fairies. He couldn't resist reaching down and sleeking a smear off Mulderon. He licked his finger, noting the same slightly nutty flavor that Mulder had.

 

Mulder painted a chocolate smear on Alex's nose and licked it off. Alex nuzzled Mulder's neck. He knew that he wanted to go imitate Mulderon and Bane.

 

Mulder walked him backwards toward the bed, his focused gaze devouring Alex. Mulder was rough, demanding, and his hands to the edge of bruising on Alex's shoulders. Alex moaned, excited liked it when Mulder took control like this. He had always been half hard when Mulder used to shove him around. They fell on the bed and resumed what Alex's bad mood had interrupted.

 

Scullytinia observed this and a tube of lubrication appeared followed by a condom. She said, "I get to put the condom on Mulder!"

 

Long there after, Alex watched Mulderon skating around on the semen slick on his stomach. Bane tripped his little lover, but Alex caught the fairy before he could throw himself down with his seven-inch tall lover on top of him. Alex said, "Not that, I'm not glad to see you, but what's the occasion? You guys are not seriously fighting are you?"

 

Bane laughed and did a macho stand on Krycek's hand. He said, "Ha, we just used a past monitor to watch you two! All that punching and grinding looked fun so we tried it too. It just adds something. The only thing is that this grouchy water demon, named Cross Carper, caught the show. He actually disguised him self as a human and sold the concept. Only get this, he thinks the show is about Mulder investigating UFOs and monsters. He already churned out six or seven seasons of it. In all that time, there was no sex between the Mulder and the Alex characters unless you count one kiss!"

 

At this Scullytinia fell off the bed in laughter, beating her tiny feet wildly in the air as she giggled. Alex heard answering chuckles from upstairs. He frowned and asked, "You mean even when we were partners and I was so damn cute?"

 

Mulder snuggled closer and said, "You are still damn cute. And, Alex, I'll let you help me. You just need to keep out of Scully's sight."

 

Alex grinned and said, "Yeah, I know that."

 

Mulderon conjured a deerstalker hat and a pipe. He announced, "We are going to help you solve cases. Bane is a rookie. I want to show him the ropes."

 

Bane rubbed his wrists and argued, "Hey, you already did that. You showed me the ropes, the cuffs, the nipple clamps, the cock ring..."

 

Scullytinia declared, "I'm hot!"

 

Mulderon waved his hand and said, "I'll get you a fan."

 

The fairy was a little off in his calculation as the fan that emerged from the cloud was an M/K fan, not a Scully fan and she didn't want to cool anything. She wanted to fan the heat between Mulder and Krycek. Bane conjured a laptop, gave her a surrogate kiss and stuffed her back in the hard drive.

 

The lap top developed a tongue and lapped at Bane's cock, yelling "Hot male, I want hot male."

 

Bane said, "It's hard to keep up your drive when that keeps happening. Get lost, small byte!"

 

The laptop took a last suck and said, "The longer I'm gone; the modem you'll miss me!" It has a sad, even a Pentium look as its body webbed away, 

 

Scullytinia petulantly hammered Mulderon with a high heel and said, "I wasn't that kind of hot. Summon the Skinnerian box and get me a watt of Waltage."

 

Mulderon grumbled, "But he's so bossy and the last time I let him out he punched Bane in the stomach and then tried to run off with him."

 

Bane shivered and rubbed his ass in memory. He remarked, "He's no Mulderon, but he'll do in a pinch."

 

Mulderon summoned a key. An obsequious man appeared and said, "Oh, command me, handsome one, you insightful hunk of fairy. Can I kiss your foot or higher?"

 

Mulderon looked somewhat intrigued. Bane sneered and punched the flunky back into ether space. He put his hands on his firm hips and said, "Try again!"

 

Mulderon murmured, "I liked him. I wasn't going to do anything with him. I just thought I would have the flunky bake us a humble-pie." Mulderon muttered and designed in the air with his hands again. A penis with large and hairy ears growing from it and a tail held on by a pin appeared bucking and spewing cum. The dong-key was directed to another cunt-ry. 

 

Bane said, "I'll do it." Competently with no extra flourishes, he karate chopped. A gray prehensile thing appeared. Alex thought his counterpart had also made a mistake but Scullytinia clapped her hands and took the trunk-key. 

 

Alex couldn't help grabbing the new fairy. It was very cute and very angry. It had only a fringe of hair, a plain, almost brutal face, but had a burly body to die for. It was hung almost as big as the dong-key, but his cock was cuter. It's mighty chest was tattooed with a fox, crossed off, a rat, checked-off like a Star Trek ensign. The only tattoo left was a redheaded make-your-pecker-wood. Alex was tempted to keep this fairy for a pet. He could make it a little balcony and tell it dirty stories to keep it warm.

 

Scullytinia screamed, "Waltage, shock me!" She grabbed Skinnerad from Alex, jumped in the trunk, shut it again and soon steam roiled from the shaking chassis. Mulderon peered through the keyhole, his ass wiggling invitingly.

 

Bane said, "Mulderon, don't you have enough smut? I mean the corn field full of it keeps growing."

 

Mulderon said, "Looks like a long one. I may as well as send the Skinnerad and Scullytinia home. That way I don't have to explain my wild, but always right theories or justify my use of magical energy!"

 

Alex and Bane exchanged long, sympathetic looks. Both of their lovers were just so pig headed at times. Mulder said, "About helping, Mulderon, Alex is one thing. He might steer me in the right direction, but you two are out. Squeal squeeee squeeel"

 

Alex plucked up Mulderon and said, "Turn his head back, you idiot, and stop reading my thoughts! He may be pig headed, but Mulder is never a boar, tusk me on this!" Alex stopped and thought,*Oh, shit, Mulderon is rubbing off on me! I'm punning.* Alex felt something hard and hot against his ear. He plucked the fairy away and said, "No aural sex until you change Mulder back."

 

"Bane's more fun!" Mulderon said.

 

Alex evoked his own powers. He blinked back sad tears. He fluttered his eyelashes, breezing up a wave of lust. He quivered his chin and Mulderon shrieked, "Stop. I'll change him back." Mulderon looked sly and wiggled his pointed ears. He said, "If we can tie him up and play!"

 

Later, Alex looked up from the case file to see Mulder's indulgent smile. He asked, "What?"

 

Mulder replied, "Reminds me..."

 

Alex knew what he meant. He put down the photos he had been studying, got up, and leaned into Mulder, laying his cheek against Mulder's. The scrape of late night stubble felt like an erotic caress. Mulder slid his hand around Alex's neck to bring him close enough to kiss. The chair creaked as both of their weights settled on it. Mulder said, "You used to sit so close to me. I would look up and I wanted to kiss you every time."

 

Alex said, "Yeah, it was good. Not just being close, I think that we were a good team for a little while. You give me a chance. I'll help you solve this case."

 

"So will we," Mulderon said, appearing in the middle of the table with Bane in tow. 

 

The four of them discussed the case and Mulder tried very hard to set some rules. Alex had a feeling that Mulderon and Bane had the same opinion that he had, rules were for sissies. They talked until late then Alex looked for a suitable bed for his friends. He thought a hot water bottle covered with a pillowcase and a soft woolen scarf would do, but Mulderon grandly bowed and handed Bane a peculiar looking furled leaf blossom. He announced, "This bud's for you!"

 

Alex put down the shoebox that he had planned to make into a sleeping place for the fairies and wondered what this had to do with night arrangements. Bane said, "Oh, good, you found the hidabed. Where was it this time?"

 

Mulderon said, "Disguised as a dust-bunny."

 

Bane watered the bed and it unfurled. It had a headboard with greedy lips and active tongue. Of course, Mulderon had a Giving-Head board with a footsie at the other end. The body of the vibrating piece of furniture was a flower bed, full of congenial conjugal blooms such as Phlux-me-harder, wreaths of good lei, hen and cocks, Goldenrod, passion flowers, viola's for romantic music, sweet violent flowers for the kinky stuff and, Mulderon hurriedly disposed of a few Hairy Palm Plants left over from his lonely days.

 

Bane brought out a box marked sex toys. Alex asked, "May I?"

 

Mulder had to see too. They found writhing hands that grasped Mulder's wrists and slapped themselves on with a resounding blow. Alex picked up a tiny shivering thing with a banner. It expanded to the perfect size to stretch him for Mulder and the sign immediately said, "Alex Krycek is one fine piece of ass!"

Alex said, "Hey, can I borrow this butt plug?"

 

Bane said, "Sure, have fun. I'm going to put this cock ring on Mulderon." The rooster crowed when it heard that, having to take his beak out of his ass to make any noise.

 

Now, Alex knew how kinky the fairies were! They DID use the whole chicken!

 

Alex peered at a small can of whipping cream. Curiously he went to spray some on Mulder. Mulder yelled and said, "Damn it, Alex, that hurt! What was it?"

 

Alex looked closely and saw that the whipping cream was full of weird hot cats with nine flailing tails apiece. He said, "No wonder the whipping cream is full of cat o'nine tails. Now, you're pussy whipped, Mulder."

 

Blam, Mulder hit him with a pillow. Smirking, Alex ended up defeated. The fight had been very stimulating due to the expand-to-fit butt plug that Bane had loaned him. Mulder found the item and read it. He agreed. "This is one fine tail, Alex! I can never wait to get to your end!" They used the whipping cream to make it a read tail and Mulder looked wonderfully hideous with his ogre-gastic face.

 

After a long, hard night, the four of them sat down to breakfast ALA Mulderon. Alex surveyed the table, noting that the fairies had seated themselves on the surface and were using a cookbook as a table. Alex shrugged; it was not the first time naked butts had been on the table. The food looked good, but Mulder was distrustful. He finally tried a piece of bread covered with caramelized sugar and spice. He said, "This is okay. It's like cinnamon toast"

 

Mulderon looked pleased and agreed, "That's right. It is like Synonym toast. Try the electric orange peel juice, it will shock you awake."

 

Alex found nothing to complain about except the gripefruit and what do you expect when you eat that? Mulder kept making dire statements about fairy food and trapping you in the underworld until Bane called up a mouth-trap, which worked to keep him silent.

 

Mulder had scoped out the address for a bar that was patronized by right wing extremists. In the mean time, they would interview the dying minister. The man was suffering despite the heavy medication. One side of his face was so much cooked flesh. The entire left side of his body was horribly burned. 

 

Alex still was not comfortable with death and dying. Every time, he glanced at the severely burned man, he had to swallow to keep down the bile and look away, staring at the ceiling.

 

The minister was conscious and rational despite his agony. Alex noticed that the unburned side of the man's face was very beautiful. He could see the slanted, heavy-browed eye, so deep brown as to be black, the sensuous lip, and the rise of a well-shaped large nose. He had cheekbones carved like a bas-relief. Alex shuddered. He would not want to live if he was this man. Suffering and loss of beauty were Alex's dread fears. Alex's left shoulder had a sympathy pain. The burning knife and then the sweep of the cauterizing blade was not something that Alex could forget.

 

The dying man could not add much new information. He had received threats by phone and one had been tacked to the doors of his small church. He had forwarded all the threats to disinterested police and borrowed another meeting place for three weeks. Feeling that the threat had past, he had returned to the church. A belated warning had allowed everyone to get out, but one of the children had left her Beanie baby rat and fox on the pew and had sneaked back to get it. He had saved the child worse injury by wrapping her in his coat as he leaped through, but had gone unprotected himself.

 

Mulder looked at Mulderon and Bane who were kissing. He whispered, "Stop that! Don't you have any respect? The man is dying!"

 

A feeble voice interjected, "If those are angels, than Heaven is better then I thought."

 

Alex asked Mulderon, "Can't you do anything? A magic cure or something?"

 

Mulderon flew over to the minister and kissed his forehead. The man sighed and all the alarms lit up. Alex was furious that the fairy would do such a thing after all that shit about him being a killer and having to change. However as they were rushed from the room, a ball of light, all colors, followed them, zooming about faster and faster until it halted. 

 

Alex sensed something joyous about the phenomena. It whirled one more time and then, a beautiful new fairy hovered in the air. His wings were unique, consisting of multicolored feathers of dyes seldom found in nature. He had a roach of the same type of feathers on his head and his theme song was many drums and dancing bells. He was a lovely fancy dancer and very much a Native American spirit.

 

Mulderon kissed the newborn's forehead and said, "Your name is Berdache. I have summoned someone for you."

 

There was a cry that pierced the heart and a large fairy strobed in. He plummeted at great speed toward the floor before zooming back up to their level. He had the wings of an eagle and his fierce heart showed through his dark warrior's eyes. Mulderon said, "This is Woodland Spirit. He will show you how to live as a fairy."

 

Berdache giggled and said, "I think I have lots of experience with that." 

 

The Eagle Fairy held out his hand and Berdache took it with joy. They transcended, leaving two pairs of lovers, wistfully remembering first times.

 

Mulder held Alex's hand for a moment. Mulder said, "You know, I hope when we got to die, that we do die heroes. Maybe that would happen to us too."

 

Alex for once found no words. He answered with his kiss, but Mulder seemed to understand. 

 

What to wear, what to wear, Alex pawed through his clothing, settling for his oldest leather jacket, an olive drab sweatshirt, and inexpensive heavy denim jeans he had bought for that stupid camping trip he and Mulder had dared each other into trying. Scuffed fatigue boots completed his look. Alex thought about cutting his hair back into a crew cut, but Mulderon chirped his disagreement and laid a glamour on it instead.

 

Mulder walked into the room, took one look, punched Alex and dragged him to the bed. Thirty minutes later, Alex stared with glazed eyes at the ceiling, jeans at his ankles, sweat shirt pushed up to his neck and cum in his ears since the fairies had joined in his ravishment. "Muhhhldeer," he crooned, "not that I'm complaining, but what the hell brought that on?"

 

Mulder was still panting and his ass was still bare. He was collapsed on the floor, exhausted from his enthused assault. The fairies lay chewing on candy cigarettes and sucking on chocolate cigars. Alex found enough energy to clean up with a handful of tissues. Mulder crawled up on the bed beside him and Alex lapped him clean before tucking the fox back in his den. Mulder returned the favor before answering with a tone of reverence, "You looked like Tunguska. Remember that warehouse? I wanted to throw your ass right over that crate and show you a lot of boom-boom."

 

Mulderon conjured a slashed smoke screen and played an image of Alex, ass in the air, bent over the crate, and Mulder on top with his lean butt flexing mightily, energetically fucking. The comic relief was Scully flailing her arms, jumping up and down, and yelling, "Mulder, stop, Mulder, stop abusing our prisoner!" All the while, the Alex on the smokescreen smiled and moaned with pleasure.

 

The Mulder in Alex's bed groaned, "Mulderon, can you put that on video tape for me."

 

Mulderon said, "Sure, I've dubbed a lot of nights."

 

Alex looked himself over in the mirror. He frowned and removed the purple teletubbie from his zipper. Mulderon giggled and hung the toy back on the mirror. Mulder leaned down and fastened an ankle holster to Alex. Alex glanced down and smiled as Mulder slid the small pistol into the holder. Mulder stood up and embraced him from behind, studying the just-right picture of them in the mirror.

 

Alex asked, "Are you guys going to carry any weapons? Just, in case, I mean" to the serious looking fairies.

 

Mulderon said, "Bist meshugeh? I'm not crazy. Yes, silence, while I implore my imp-formants."

 

A bizarre creature appeared in the room. It wandered around before settling in front of Mulderon. He grandly announced, "My Imp-ployees! Byerimp, Frohikimp, and Langimp."

 

Byerimp, Frohikimp, and Langimp were three impish folk all linked by a network service for three. They found walking a challenge as they pulled in three directions and could not agree most of the time until they came to blows. Coming to blows was quite the daisy chain to see when it involved the linked impetuous three.

 

Mulderon assured Bane who was as skeptical as the humans that these wayward creatures had the very best magic that could be hacked from the tech-web-spider's lair. They had invented hatchets for hacking loose the powerful magic that the creature lured in and hoarded disc-gustingly.

 

Mulderon was secretive about the devices and did not even want to discuss them with Bane until his lover sulked and refused to have sex for three hours, which Alex believed, was a record with the little horny gods. After Bane had the secret, he wore that insufferable smirk. Alex couldn't believe how annoying that expression was! No wonder that Mulder had punched him so often!

 

Armed and impudent, Mulder walked into the bar. "Ow," he cried, "Who put that there?" 

 

Alex and the fairies snickered and Mulderon dissolved the impediment.

 

The air in the bar would have tested out to one hundred percent proof testosterone. No one walked in that door; they slunk, stalked, lurked, or strode in. The coffee cans set out at intervals reeked of chew. Country-Western music blared from the music system. Alex mentally replaced the band on stage with his recollection of The Blue's Brothers performing eighteen versions of the "Rawhide" theme.

 

Mulder apparently had a different image. He whispered, "Ask for Jabba, the Hutt; he'll know what going down."

 

Alex sprawled at the bar, legs open, a sullen, brooding look plastered on his face. He tossed back a whiskey and then another. Bane was metabolizing the alcohol from their drinks and transferring it to other bloodstreams around the bar. Bane was working with Alex and Mulderon helped his counterpart.

 

Bane almost gagged as the drunk sitting next to Alex belched. The man was a burly fellow, with a blue chambray shirt stretched over huge shoulders and arms that looked like he could lift steel girders without a crane.

 

The man took one more drink of his chaser and then emitted a high-pitched noise. He shrieked in a basso profoundo voice, "Look, two fairies!"

 

Mulder was still a little sensitive on the subject. He winced. Alex stood up and punched the man to the ground. Mulderon tapped Alex on the shoulder and said, "Such a Kochedik, Oi, a real troublemaker! The man had reached the magical point of intoxication. It was the beautiful Bane and myself that he was calling fairies."

 

Alex blushed prettily and said, "Sorry!"

 

Bane and Mulderon upended a water glass on the drunk. Mulderon tucked an AA card in the man's hand and said, "There, you'll think of this as the turning point later." 

 

Indignant, the fairy went nose to nose with Alex and asked, "So who shouldn't come along on this investigation?"

 

Alex said, "I told you I was sorry!"

 

Tossed out of the bar, Alex and Mulder were at loose ends and needed to go home for a screw to tighten them. Mulderon and Bane bolted and said he would spy in the bar, impervious to view.

 

The first sign that the fairies were back was that the weapons left on the dresser animated and Mulder's pistol mounted Alex's Glock. "Look I'm number one with a bullet, the top gun!"

 

Alex's Glock said, "Just keep hitting my bull-eye's, big bore." 

 

The two weapons fired, oddly enough hitting and destroying the X-Files Canon in the room. Oh, well, that was not much use in this tale anyway.

 

Mulderon giggled and showed up on Alex's stomach. Alex ignored the fairy's attempt to penetrate his belly button. It was his fault any way for letting the fairy read the website with all the hot action and Ashes.

 

Bane looked somewhat cross. He remarked, "Some of us stick to the one they love."

 

Sure enough, Bane was glued to Mulderon's ass and had to be carefully disengaged.

 

That settled; the four coconspirators went to have showers and discuss the case. Mulderon said, "I followed the perpetrator to the base camp. It's in an abandoned warehouse."

 

Alex nodded. The consortium financed itself by renting such vacant places as settings to fan fiction writers. It was one of the main legal ways of supporting the evildoer's evil deed. They also sold horribly sweet marshmallow candy from the buildings around holidays. Yes, it was true. They were the Peep-etrators.

 

Mulder said, "I'll get the car."

 

Mulderon said, "Bane and I will take our own vehicles." 

 

The fairies blinked out and returned on winged steeds. Mulderon rode a winged fennec, which resembled a fox, which had been cloned with alien genes. It had huge upright ears, enormous eyes and a wizened face. Bane rode a sleek, winged Russian rat, which displayed an avaricious attention to the fox's tail.

 

Mulder struggled to follow the fairies. It wasn't easy as the fennec and the rat did not keep to the road. They both had scavenging instincts and stopped to eat all the road kill they could find. Then Alex said, "Someone is tailing us."

 

Sure enough, Mulder's car waved two tails, one Rat's Tale and the other a fluffy fox tail. Alex groaned, "No, that's just a pun. Hey, look it's Scull—oops" His words were muffled as Mulder pushed him down toward the floor. 

 

Grumbling, Alex held on for dear life until Mulder crowed in delight, "I ditched her."

 

Alex saw that Mulder had indeed driven the bitch into the ditch. He could see that she was fine by the energetic way she was stomping her feet. A misstep sent her sliding and the last thing Alex saw of Scully was her red hair flying as she disappeared into the ditch. The journey now sped as Mulder continued to crow over his victory. They could take a straighter route with Mulder flying them in the form of a large black bird, another pun-y, but useful trick from Mulderon.

 

The warehouse was fully realized unfortunately. Alex had hoped for more of a backdrop scene, which would have made it easier to spy. He and Mulder worked on some technological spying gear while the fairies waltzed right in smoothly with their magic. 

 

The terrorists were an unsavory lot. Alex was sure that not even Splendor, the dragon that he had smoked, would have eaten these men. They had their heads so far up their asses that they could have sneezed and farted out the same orifice. There were ten of the men. Alex would have as well as lobbed an incendiary bomb and fired them from the ranks of the living, (These guys made even the rankest smell sweet beside them.) Bane agreed with him and, even, Mulderon was tempted.

 

Mulder how ever reined on their parade. He saddled them with his moral structure and bridled at any other way of thinking. In short, he made a horse's ass out of himself. He still won, but only because the other three loved him, no matter how he stir-upped their annoyance. 

 

Alex waited while Mulder got his search warrants. He and the fairies were just discussing going in on their own when the militant that Alex had kayoed in the bar came out and decided to take a pee in the bushes where Alex was hiding. The stream of urine pissed Alex off and he rushed out to fight.

 

The man yelled and the rest of the militants rushed out. Mulderon and Bane tried to help, but all of their powers were mis-leyed. Alex was dragged into the back of a truck and hustled off to yet another empty warehouse.

 

Alex glumly realized that NOT one of the ten terrorists was gay, hell, they weren't even the least bit happy which was why they picked on everyone else that they could pretend was inferior. This meant that there was no way he could seduce them into freeing him. They were only interested in beating him in spots that gave him no enjoyment and kicking his ass.

 

One of the men had a thought and remembered that Alex had not been alone in that bar. They staked back out the first warehouse to find out what was going on. 

 

Alex was left alone for a few minutes. It was another low point in his life. He hurt from toe to head and back again. He opened his swollen eye to see Mulderon and Bane gazing at him with sympathy. Alex said, "Help me."

 

Mulderon said, "We made a mistake and all of our power is cut off. We have to go restore it."

 

Alex asked, "How you do that?"

 

Mulderon said, "We must have continuous sex for four hours. It's a dirty job, but it has to be done."

 

Just great, Mulder had no idea where he was. The fairies were unable to help until they imp-lified their powers. One of the militants said, "Hey, fairy, we tricked your honey into exchanging himself for you. We are going to have a wiener roast when he gets here."

 

Sure enough, Mulder was tossed on top of Alex less then four hours later. Alex mournfully observed, "I think we get our chance to die heroes earlier then we hoped."

 

The men snorted and said, "Since you carry a torch for each other and are such a good match, we are going to burn you two faggots together."

 

Alex grinned, stretching his bruised lips painfully. That punning was always a sign that fairies are near. Just as the men were about to light the lover's fire, chaos implemented. 

 

There was St. Elmo's fire, blinding fairy lights, grenades of noxious smelling ignited swamp gas, and a rain of fireflies. Alex was blinded by the light-sabers that the fairy wielded, but he recognized Mulder's hands on his bound limbs. Untied, Alex let Mulder lead him into a safe corner and they crouched, amazed at the fireworks show.

 

Getting hurt was almost worth it if Mulder was fussing over him. Alex concentrated on Mulder's healing kiss as the fairy magic was taking care of the rest.

 

When things calmed down, Alex saw that the fairies had flown up to the ceiling to reach the height of their passion. He admitted they were due their victory fuck. The impulsive invasion was opportune.

 

Leaning on Mulder, Alex inspected the battlefield.

 

One of the terrorists was encased in a ripe peach. Only his hands, feet, and head stuck out. He was the pit and solidly impeached.

 

Another was reduced to a squalling baby, totally blasted back to immaturity. Alex wasn't going to change that nasty diaper!

 

The man who was pounding on the walls of a crystal transparency that reflected many colored light puzzled Alex. Imperiled? Impaired?

 

Bane looked bored and explained, "He's im-prismed there."

 

The other men were immovable, impacted, immensesed (too bloated large to fight and very cramped too), immaculate and no longer interested in evil deeds, im-aged to senility, and gruesomely imparted.

 

Mulder admitted, "Well, I'm impressed." Immediately he was flattened between two heavy flat and heating objects.

 

Mulderon hurriedly took care of that little wrinkle and rescued the FBI agent. Mulder said nothing. He just looked at Alex and shook his head. Alex helped him handcuff and secure the surviving terrorists. Just as Mulderon had released the magical restraints from the prisoners, Dana Scully staggered in the door. Her shoes were broken-heeled. Her hair was going to need a spa before it ever looked right again. She saw Alex and her eyes promised murder

 

Her towering rage was suddenly deflated. She had reached that stage of Irish temper that disengaged reason. In this state, she saw the smirking fairies. Bane was on Mulder's shoulder and Mulderon was whispering sweet nothings in Alex's ears.

 

"Fairies," she spluttered as she fainted.

 

The end


End file.
